Lucky

Tired. Sore. A little warm. The faint taste of ‘birthday cake’ ice cream lingering on my tastebuds. Content, yet lonely for the familiar. At least that’s what I feel right now. I just got back from a trip to Lucky’s, a local ice cream parlor with amazing soft serve, hard serve (aka hand dipped for those of us from the south), and frozen yogurt. Though I just had ice cream yesterday, I decided to take advantage of an outing with other apprenti (that’s the plural form of apprentice) in hopes of bonding and potential conversation. The excursion proved fun and rewarding as I was able to talk with a few people whom I had not yet had the opportunity, as well as eat a mountain of ‘coffee’ and ‘birthday cake’ frozen goodness. After almost two weeks of Suzuki, and a session of Zoomba today with the girls, I figured I was allowed a few extra calories. (Don’t worry, Mom. I won’t eat ice cream every day.)

We’re only into Week 2 of 12 for the BTF Summer Performance Training, but I’m not the only one who feels like it’s already been a month. I think it’s been a big adjustment for everyone here, only some hide it better than others. There’s always more to people than meets the eye. Cliché I know, but it’s easy to forget that when everyone around you seems happy and adjusted. But the more I talk with people, the more I find out their real stories. Underneath the tough outer shell lies deep longing for acceptance and love. Amid the laughter and smiles there are scars from broken homes, deceased parents, cancer victories, and past relationships.

It’s not all murky swamp underneath the surface, though. Some people have an incredible sense of humor, or a unique musical ability. Everyone has life experiences that are interesting and completely different from my own. I find that people enjoy being listened to. So far I’ve done a lot of listening. Sometimes I’ll ask a question. Sometimes I don’t have to. But listening is one way I’m finding to connect with people, and hopefully show them love.

People are built for relationships. It’s what we were designed for. Without relationships, or perhaps I should say without healthy relationships, we scramble for identity. I sensed this very distinctly the night Christopher left Stockbridge to go back to Virginia Beach. As I watched him walk through the sliding doors of the airport, fear immediately gripped me. It occurred to me that the disorienting loneliness I felt at that moment is part of why there are so many broken relationships in the world. When people are desperate to be loved, they will throw themselves at whoever (or whatever) will have them.

I think I needed to be at that place. I needed to grapple for identity. I needed to feel the darkness of seclusion to drive me to the Light. In Suzuki this morning my instructor encouraged us to “go toward the difficulty” because “pain teaches us something about ourselves.” Fallen existence necessarily brings hardship. At the risk of sounding masochistic, I am somehow thankful for the breach in comfort. Without pain, I would never need. I would never have to rely on Someone greater than myself. I would never know the joy of salvation, even in the mundane. My Suzuki instructor says that sometimes we have to go the extreme of a situation in order to make a discovery. And I am discovering a lot about myself.

I’m discovering increased discomfort in my heels, but I’m learning to breathe into the pain. The more I stomp, the less it hurts. I’m learning to release tension instead of hold it, and not to beat myself up when I fail. I’m discovering a lack of patience, and less discipline than I thought I had. I’m learning to write down my thoughts before I forget them, and how to schedule my time more effectively. I’m learning more about my acting process and how to approach scene work. I’m learning how to interact with people who are very different from myself, and how to find common ground with them. I’m learning when (and where) to shower, and how much to eat at meals so that I’m not hungry later. But most of all I am learning just how blessed I am, to be here and to possess all the life experiences that I’ve had thus far.

As painful as it is to be away from everyone I know and love, this time spent elsewhere only makes me love them more. Being on my own makes me rely so much more on God’s grace to get me through, a dependency which is always there, but not always on the conscious level. I am confident that this summer is already impacting the rest of my life for the better. I truly am, Lucky.