Great Expectations

Eight days from now I’ll be leaving for the Berkshires. It’s still hard for me to believe that I’ll be gone for 12 weeks. I think a part of me doesn’t quite believe that it’s happening. There’ve been so many things that have had to fall into place in order for me to go, that I think I’ve been a little de-sensitized to the anticipation of it all. My wonderful boyfriend Christopher asked me the other day if it had sunk in yet that I was leaving. (The fact that he asked the question let me know that it had been on his mind.) I had to reply that it really hadn’t yet. I don’t think it’ll hit me until I get there. But I have this inkling that when it hits me, it’s gonna hit really hard.

I hate good-byes. Anyone who knows me well knows that. Christopher will tell you that even a simple goodnight is one of the most challenging tasks of my day. Even when I was a little girl I would cry watching grandparents drive away, or loved ones take off at the airport. My mom will tell you that I can’t say goodbye to the knick-knacks on my shelf that someone brought me from Mexico when I was six, or the years of past thank you notes buried in my desk drawer. There’s just something about letting go that I find extremely difficult.

But it’s not like I’m leaving forever. Good grief, it’s only three months. (At least that’s what I tell myself when I start to feel the growing knot in my stomach.) But a lot can happen in three months. In fact, I’m hoping a whole lot does happen. There’s something about the thought of these coming weeks that I find incredibly intriguing. As much as I don’t like the idea of leaving the comfort of my friends and familiarity, I find myself craving the promising adventure that lies ahead. But oddly enough, most of my expectations for the summer involve, not Berkshire, but my journey with God.

I find myself longing for time to be alone with Him, in a place that is unfamiliar and out of the routine. I’m hoping that He will meet me there in a way that I have never yet experienced. Sometimes it’s simply a change of pace that can allow for fresh insight. My experience as an artist has taught me that. Countless times in a creative block simply taking my mind off of the subject matter has enlightened my understanding. A friend once suggested taking a shower when I needed a break from writing a paper, explaining that washing your hair helps stimulate creativity. I’m not sure if that’s true, but that’s kind of how I feel about the summer. I need to wash my hair.

Maybe it’s the idea of being left behind that makes goodbyes the hardest. It doesn’t matter what side of the journey you’re on, whether you’re coming or going goodbye means separation. But if there weren’t goodbyes then there couldn’t be hellos. I’m excited for the many hellos headed my way this summer. I hope I’ll hear them from both future friends and from visiting ones. I also hope to hear them from myself as I learn more about this thing called acting. But I mostly hope to hear them from the Original Artist, as we journey together through the Berkshires.